The FWord
by Mlle. Madeline
Summary: "You say it all the time!" "Yeah, but not as a verb." Beck and Jade debate vocabulary. Or Beck tries to, anyway.


**A/N: This isn't one of those stories with a misleading title. This oneshot really is about the F-word you think it's about. Fun fact - the word "fuck" with various derivations is repeated 42 times. This story's about 4 pages long in Word. So, yeah, they say "fuck" about ten times a page. FUCK YEAH GRATUITOUS SWEARING! Author's Note brings the count to 45. Also, I debated how to rate this, but went with the lower T because while there's a lot ****of **_**talk**_** about sex, there isn't any actual **_**description**_**. It's just alluded to. A lot. I'm still on the fence about it.  
>Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't think so.<strong>

* * *

><p>"I'm so bored with homework," Jade groans, slapping her math book shut. She rolls over on her side and reaches down to poke Beck's shoulder. "Can we fuck now?"<p>

Beck, apparently engrossed in whatever script he's reading, sighs but doesn't look up. "First of all, I have to finish reading this, and secondly, _please _don't use that term."

Jade rolls her eyes. "_Fine_," she says. "I'm so _uninterested _by homework. Can we fuck now?"

Beck stretches his legs out, leans back against the bed, and shoots her an unimpressed look. "Jade."

"_May _we fuck now?"

"Jade."

"Can we fuck _at this moment_?"

"Oh my god, Jade," Beck yelps in exasperation. "Seriously, stop calling our fun clothes-less activities '_fucking_.' Please."

Jade rolls onto her back, staring up at the ceiling of the RV. "But that's what it's _called_."

"No it's not. Do we have to fight about this again?"

"Only if you're gonna start it."

Beck heaves a sigh through his nose. "I don't understand why you need to be so _crass _about it."

Jade rolls her eyes. "It's just _sex_. I don't see why you need to be such a pansy about a simple term."

"It's not just a _term_," Beck insists, finally setting the script down and turning to face his girlfriend. "It's vulgar and crude and makes us sound like animals."

Jade lets out a throaty growl, and _dammit if that isn't ridiculously sexy _but Beck forces himself to just glare at her. "What?" Jade asks, turning her head to look at him. "We _are _animals." She pauses, smirking. "In bed."

Beck rolls his eyes. "Come on, Jade."

Jade flips onto her stomach and runs her tongue across her bottom lip. "I wish you _would_."

"Oh my god."

Jade grins and Beck can't help but be reminded of the Cheshire Cat. "It's just a fucking _word_, Beck."

"But I don't _like _it," Beck protests. "It's all…dirty-sounding."

Jade sighs and presses her face into the sheets. "You are such a _pussy_. You're all, 'Jade, let's listen to Boyz II Men whilst I make sweet, sweet love to you until sunrise and then we shall bask in the afterglow of our passion and love forever-times.'" She uses a high-pitched, breathily feminine voice to imitate him.

Beck can't help but grin. "Well, if that's how _I _sound, then _you're _all, ''Ey, ya lousy muthafucka, fuck me hahd and fuck me good and then get the fuck outta my life, ya sonuvabitch.'" His impression of Jade is less fairy princess and more _Sopranos_. He pouts. "And anyway, sex is _about_ love."

Jade makes a noise that's halfway between a laugh and a groan. "Oh my god, you're such a woman. Lots of times we fuck just because we're _horny_. Or because we're pissed off. Or because we're bored." She pauses to kick off her boots and socks. "And right now I'm D: all of the above."

Beck shifts. "Yeah, I can tell," he says. "Jade, please keep your clothes on."

Jade pauses, her shirt halfway unbuttoned, and sticks out her bottom lip in exasperation. "I wanna _fuck_."

"_Don't use that phrase!_" Beck insists. "You know I don't _like_ it!"

"Dude, you say the 'fuck' word like it's going out of style!"

"I know, but – "

"Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck-fuck fuckity-fuck fucker fucking fuckfuck."

"_Jade_."

"I don't understand why you're such a pussy."

"Dammit, Jade, it's just – "

"You say it all the time!"

"Yeah, but not as a _verb_."

Jade sits up, her shirt still halfway off. "How is saying 'fuck my life' _not _using it as a verb?"

Beck stands and looks down at his girlfriend, crossing his arms. "That's different."

"_How _is that different?" she asks incredulously, spreading her arms wide.

Beck rolls up his shirtsleeves. "_Because_," he grouses, "Using it as a verb makes it sound violent. And not in the good way," he adds as Jade opens her mouth. "'Getting fucked by life is not a _fun _sexual activity. It's more…rape-y. Which is never a positive thing. Where _our _activities are always a positive thing."

"Oh, that makes _so much sense_," Jade says acerbically around a mouthful of soda. "Thanks for clearing that up. I've totally learned my vocabulary lesson."

Beck shoots her a Look and tosses her a roll of paper towels from the dashboard of the RV. "Here."

Jade looks at the roll in her lap. "What is this for?"

"You're dripping sarcasm all over my bed."

Jade rolls her eyes and tosses the paper towels to the floor. "So you're okay with saying 'fuck' in any and all circumstances except when describing the actions people perform together on purpose and for fun when naked."

"Well," Beck says, thinking about it, "Yeah."

"On what fucking planet does that make any sense?" Jade yells, standing up. She walks over to the minifridge and grabs two orange sodas, tossing him one.

"Okay. Noun – 'Don't be a dumbfuck.' Adjective – 'That's really fucking ridiculous.' Negative interjection – 'FUCK, that sucks!' Positive interjection – 'You fucking rock!' Command – 'Get the fuck out of here!'" As he names each example, Beck ticks them off on his fingers. He pops open the can of soda and takes a sip.

Jade crosses her arms and leans on the bookshelf. "Okay, what about 'fuck you'?" she deadpans, one eyebrow almost to her hairline. Her shirt is still very much halfway unbuttoned, and when she scratches her back Beck suddenly has a hard time focusing.

"That's okay," he says absentmindedly. "It's a phrase that doesn't actually suggest sexual fun-times."

"So," Jade says slowly, "'Fuck you' is okay, and 'go fuck yourself' is totally fine, but 'Beck, please fuck me now' is _off-limits_?" As she speaks, she sets the can of soda down and finishes taking off her shirt.

Beck opens his mouth, but then _really_ thinks about what she's saying and his mouth closes. And then opens again. And closes. He feels a little bit like a fish. Meanwhile, Jade tosses her shirt on the ground and leans back against the wall, hands on her hips.

"Uh," is about all he can manage. It's not like he hasn't seen this before, but _god _it never gets old.

"This is boring," Jade declares after an amusing (and _totally hot_) moment of watching her boyfriend splutter. She walks back over to the bed and lies down on it, stretching her arms above her head. "Maybe I'll go back to my math homework. Logarithms are _so fun_."

"Now, now," Beck says hastily, grabbing the calculus book before Jade can reach it. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

Jade arches her back ever so slightly and smiles with one side of her mouth. "You wanna _fuck _instead?" She puts extra emphasis on the word just to piss him off. "Or would you rather get back to reading that play?"

Beck twists his lips to one side. "Just…well, no…just _please _do me one favor and don't use that word."

"You have two options, babe," Jade says, sitting up and starting to unbuckle her belt. "You can piss around like a bitch about the word _fuck_, or you can get the hell over it and get the hell on me."

Beck weighs his options for about half a second. Principles vs. hot girlfriend.

There's no contest. Beck is weak. And male.

He figures there is zero point in fighting over a four-letter word for the eleventy-thousandth time when there are far more important things, like a partially naked Jade West, to attend to.

(Beck is vaguely cognizant of the fact that he's pretty sure this is always how Jade wins their arguments.)

So he sighs, accepting the loss of the day's battle. And then he grins, accepting the total _win _of his life, because, well, duh. "You win this time, babe," he admits graciously with a little bow and flourish of his hands.

Jade laughs. "Don't do that hand wavey thing ever again, okay?" she says. "You look really stupid."

"Pshhh, you love me," Beck teases, grabbing her hand to pull her to her feet so he can kiss her.

"What-the-fuck-ever," Jade mutters, but the corners of her lips turn upwards.

"And you're lucky because I love you back," Beck murmurs against her mouth, grinning. "Even though you're foul-mouthed and crude."

Jade tries to stifle her smile."Fuck you."

Beck pulls back and raises his eyebrows suggestively. "Well, if you must," he says with a mock sigh.

So she does.

And it's really _fucking _awesome.


End file.
